Why One Should Not Eat Several-Month-Old Meat Sauce: A Case Study

"You have a class at 8am on Friday, don't you?" - A.

"No, it's 9am. Do you have something at 8am?" - E.

"No, but I wish I did, for once." - A.

"You WHAT?!?" - E.

"It's the sauce. It's making me crazy." - A.

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*rambling to A., who is staring pensively into space* "The thing about Fridays is the campus gets so deserted after-" - E.

*turning suddenly to E* "'Are you happy with your life, Frank?'" - A.

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"Your mom is really trying to tempt us. If you say 'strawberries' and 'nutella' in the same sentence, I don't even need to hear 'they're really good.'" - E.

"Well, you know sometimes instead of nutella I like to put flour on my strawberries." - A.

Conundrums on Campus, or alternatively: "College Makes Us Smart"

"We should become scientists and figure out how to stop the trees from budding." - A.

"I don't know if I'd want to try to go against the laws of nature." - E.

"Oh, I will. I will be the first person to go against gravity. And stop trees from budding. Although, to do something like that, you'd have to dedicate your whole life to it, so I guess I should choose just one law of nature to defy." - A. *philosophically*

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"That's the beginning of me defying the laws of nature. Defying crosswalks. It begins there." - A.

*singing helpfully* "Iiiii'm defyyyyyyying graavityyyyyyyyy-" - E.

"No. No you're not." - A.

*submissive silence* - E.

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"It's kind of a weird idea. People are attracted to weirdness, I guess." - E.

"Well that's good, because otherwise I'm never getting married." - A.

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"Is Nicaragua a city or a country?" - E.

"It's a country in South America, isn't it?" - A.

"If it's in South America, I don't think so. Maybe it's in Central America." - E.

"Well... it's somewhere souther than North America! Everywhere down there is South America." - A.

Oh Steph!

"I do not have a rash all over my body! I have a swelling."

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Overheard, but not necessarily correctly: "I'm not desperate. I'm lonely."

"That is NOT what I said!"

"What was that really funny thing you said?"

"Be quiet."

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"I've been laying on the couch all day!" *throws book down in despair*

"Don't we know it. Eating bon-bons no less...."

"I don't know what reality exists in your head."

"It's nice, actually."

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"I'm afraid this pizza is going to blow out of my hands and hit someone's windshield... literally."

"Love isn't a feeling. It's an ability." - Dan in Real Life

"It's an ability? I'm disabled."

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"This is a proud moment for me. I am what you call 'a proud sister.'"

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"Counting. That's a sure sign of wisdom."

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"I can't say anything around you! My words aren't safe!"

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"After a brief hiatus I shall return."

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"Erin, we are in need of your pillow."

"No."

"I said get up!"

"You didn't, actually."

"I'm passive aggressive."

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"Get up or I'll tickle you!"

"I'll poke you!"

"I'll make you snort to death!"

Blessed are the quiet in the library, for they shall not be scolded.

"Just because it's Monday doesn't mean you can call everybody jerks." - K.H.

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"It's water under the rug." - M.C.

"Water under the rug?"

"I'm mixing metaphors, guys." - M.C.

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"I'm going to have a band called Justin Timberlake's shaved head. We will be extremely successful." - M.C.

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"Did you get one of these?" *holds up Bucers card* - K.H.

"No." - E.H.

"Oh... maybe they were just for Christ Church people." - K.H.

"My reward will be in heaven." - E.H.

"My reward will be at Bucers." - K.H.

Kumbaya, my Lord...

"Oh man... this brings back memories of when I was sticky... and angry... and five." - R.M.

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"I charge extra for after-hours smoke signals." - T.A.

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"What's making that noise?"

"Must be the barn monkeys." - D.R.

"Jesus is my friend..."

"Let's go for a walk in the rain."

"I would if I didn't have to be attractive."

"You know that's going on the blog..."

"Goshdarnit! Um... everything I say is copyrighted."

"You should probably stop talking now."

"Why? I'm like the fount of all wisdom."

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"Beauty is my cross to bear." *sigh*

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"What if we ate everything that we valued?"

"I hope you don't value me as a friend...."

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"'Bugs and drugs.'"

"That's what you had for breakfast."

In his defense, liberal arts schools aren't generally known for their math.

"Just look at the three of us. It's like we're twins." -K.T.

The Ultimate Honeymoon

"I want to go to a strange place with a strange woman."

Steak and potato milkshake, anyone?

"It's hard to be a hungry man."

"Heeeey.. you just called me a man. That brought back childhood memories...."

Ole

"I think I would make a good Mexican." -J.B.

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"It's called Horchata."

"It's a morning-after drink. Wait... I mean... oh noooo...."

"Like... a hangover drink?"

"Yeah.... Not a contraceptive."

Confessions of a 4-year-old Merman

"Okay, I will be the mermaid, and you will be a lost boy."

"Don't you want to be a merman?"

"Oh. I guess."

LATER...

(confidentially) "Do you know what, Erin? I actually don't like being a merman."

Be free!

"That would be one to pass down to the grandchildren."

"'I set all the animals free in the pet shop when no one was looking. You should have heard the screams of the customers. But then they started eating each other....'"

"The customers?"

"It was pandemonium."

Swingers

"Time to start off this evening right... with drugs." - Linds.

Latin Lamentations

"Guys, don't confuse crinis with cinis." - A.

"Yeah, you don't want your crinis to turn to cinis" - E.

"But if you sit too close to a fire, they will be." - A.

"And then your head will smell horrible...." - K.

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*flicking through slides* "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." - E.

"You're not helping." - K.

"That was my gemmitus, -us, masculinum about Latin." - E.

King Shall-we-meneser?

"I went to bed at 10 last night... I just feel so much more... alive!" - K.