Conundrums on Campus, or alternatively: "College Makes Us Smart"

"We should become scientists and figure out how to stop the trees from budding." - A.

"I don't know if I'd want to try to go against the laws of nature." - E.

"Oh, I will. I will be the first person to go against gravity. And stop trees from budding. Although, to do something like that, you'd have to dedicate your whole life to it, so I guess I should choose just one law of nature to defy." - A. *philosophically*

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"That's the beginning of me defying the laws of nature. Defying crosswalks. It begins there." - A.

*singing helpfully* "Iiiii'm defyyyyyyying graavityyyyyyyyy-" - E.

"No. No you're not." - A.

*submissive silence* - E.

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"It's kind of a weird idea. People are attracted to weirdness, I guess." - E.

"Well that's good, because otherwise I'm never getting married." - A.

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"Is Nicaragua a city or a country?" - E.

"It's a country in South America, isn't it?" - A.

"If it's in South America, I don't think so. Maybe it's in Central America." - E.

"Well... it's somewhere souther than North America! Everywhere down there is South America." - A.

Blessed are the quiet in the library, for they shall not be scolded.

"Just because it's Monday doesn't mean you can call everybody jerks." - K.H.

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"It's water under the rug." - M.C.

"Water under the rug?"

"I'm mixing metaphors, guys." - M.C.

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"I'm going to have a band called Justin Timberlake's shaved head. We will be extremely successful." - M.C.

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"Did you get one of these?" *holds up Bucers card* - K.H.

"No." - E.H.

"Oh... maybe they were just for Christ Church people." - K.H.

"My reward will be in heaven." - E.H.

"My reward will be at Bucers." - K.H.

An Oracle of B-Pain

"It's not like he requires a perfect angel man."

Latin Lamentations

"Guys, don't confuse crinis with cinis." - A.

"Yeah, you don't want your crinis to turn to cinis" - E.

"But if you sit too close to a fire, they will be." - A.

"And then your head will smell horrible...." - K.

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*flicking through slides* "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." - E.

"You're not helping." - K.

"That was my gemmitus, -us, masculinum about Latin." - E.

I would write this down if it wasn't so racist.

"You can get away with anything if you're a kitten."

"I love being a kitten!"

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"That's why I'm not feeding myself now. I mean, I'm eating... food..."

"You're anorexic now?!"

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"You should be as weird as you want to be. That's how I operate."

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"Black people don't usually hang out in coffee shops."

"Classy ones do. But they wouldn't read an e-mail over your shoulder."

Freaking Huge Heads

"Babies have really freaking huge heads."

"They do! It's like... a third of their body! I think I read that somewhere in a math book. In the ratios section."

"And it's funny, because you really notice when they put their arms over their head and their hands barely touch. When we put our arms over our heads, look how much space there is! Whoa!"

"Wow! Yeah! We could have like.. two heads! That would be weird. People would look weird with two heads on top of each other."

"Yes. They would."